How can I help a neighbour that I think is being abused?

Believing that your neighbour is being abused in their own home, or even away from their property, can be devastating and you will inevitably want to help in some way. It can be very difficult to find the opportunity to offer your support to a neighbour, particularly if they are trying to hide the abuse.

The following article explores the options that you have for safely trying to help a neighbour that you believe to be being abused. This includes suggestions on how to directly offer assistance, sources of outside help and practical tips to promote their safety.

Signs That a Neighbour Could Potentially Be Being Abused

You may have concerns that your neighbour is a victim of domestic abuse and might believe that you have witnessed this in some way. There are a number of ways in which a person can be abused and you’ll want to have an element of certainty about your concerns before you attempt to offer help.

Although many abusers and their victims will try to hide what’s going on, there can sometimes be signs that suggest there is a reason to be concerned. This might include:

• Signs of injury such as bruises, cuts and plasters or bandages.
• Withdrawal of your neighbour from social interactions.
• Your neighbours try to avoid talking to you and rush in or out of the house before they can be approached.
• The victim may try to communicate without words, perhaps staring at you or trying to make signs to alert you.
• You may hear concerning noises such as bangs and thuds or even screams or muffled shouting.

Of course, any one of these signs could be innocent and so there is no need to jump to conclusions unless your instincts suggest that there is cause for concern.

What should I do if I notice what I believe to be are signs of abuse?

If you are concerned that your neighbour is suffering from any sort of abuse, you can attempt to speak with them and let them know that you are there for them and offer your help and support. It is highly likely that abuse victims will prefer to talk to a friend before they approach a professional service or the police.

Most professional support services suggest that you attempt to speak with victims face to face. This is a safety precaution as if you attempt to have this conversation over the phone or in writing, there is the potential that the abuser might overhear or interrupt.

You must never confront the abuser in these situations. This poses a risk to you and your neighbour or their children.

What should I say to my neighbour if I think they are being abused?

When you initiate a conversation with your neighbour, approach the subject calmly, with compassion and demonstrate your genuine concern. In order not to inflame or embarrass your neighbour, avoid using terms such as ‘domestic violence’ and ‘domestic abuse’. Many victims of abuse don’t like to be labelled in this way and some might not even identify as being victims.

Try asking laid-back questions such as:

• “I’ve not seen much of you recently, how are you?”
• “They (the abuser) seem to be calling a lot. Is that normal?”
• “You don’t seem yourself, is everything alright?”
• “I’m worried about you, you seem anxious. Can I help with anything?”.

If your neighbour opens up and talks about the abuse, remain calm and listen to them without prompting or interrupting. Try not to be opinionated about the abuser or their relationship as criticising offers no help and can make the victim feel guilty or ashamed.

If your neighbour does not open up about any abuse, trip to respect that and don’t push the matter. Let them know that you are available if they want to talk and demonstrate that you are non-judgmental in your conversations.

Remember, it is highly unlikely that you are qualified to offer advice to your neighbour and it is best that this is given by a professional. Your advice, though well-intentioned, could have adverse effects and you do not want to be the cause for increased risk. You must never tell your neighbour to immediately leave their partner as this can be dangerous and there can be any number of reasons as to why this isn’t practical or possible. If possible, encourage your neighbour to seek professional help or offer to approach an expert on their behalf.

Important Things to Communicate to your Neighbour

In order to offer the best support to a victim of abuse, it’s important to ensure that they are aware of some things. Let your neighbour know that:

• You believe what they are telling you
• You are not judging them
• You want to help them
• Offer reassurance that it is not their fault
• Commend their bravery and encourage their continued strength.
• Reassure them that there is plenty of help available and that expert support is nearby.

To offer practical help to your neighbour, offer to research the support options available or even find out what might happen to the abuser once your neighbour decides to escalate things.

Don’t expect to be able to answer all questions and be confident in knowing that although you may not have all of the relevant information, you are helping your neighbour simply by listening to them.

What should I do once my neighbour has opened up to me?

Once your neighbour has taken the first brave step to telling you what is going on, patiently listen to them and then ask them what they want to do next. Let them feel in control of the situation and don’t try to railroad them into taking action.

Ending any relationship is difficult and for them to leave an abusive relationship will be incredibly hard and potentially risky.

You can offer to attend appointments with professional services with your neighbour and this might give them the additional confidence to seek expert advice.

Also consider offering them a safe haven in your home or storing an emergency bag should they need to get out of the house urgently. Of course, this action should be done with lots of consideration and ensure that you stake these steps as safely as you can without alerting the perpetrator.