How to Cope When Your Parents Divorce

When parents divorce, the impact on children can be varied, but often great. Sometimes children believe that they were partly to blame for the break-up, sometimes they question how much of each parent they will continue to see, occasionally children feel left out of all discussions and it seems as though they lose control of their own lives. Often, when parents divorce, they do all that they can to shield children from the emotional upset of the separation, though this can sometimes make the child feel left out.

In the following guide, we explore how to cope when your parents are getting divorced. We consider some of the emotional impacts that this might have on you, some practical tips on how to get through the divorce and some suggestions on where you can get additional support.

Why are my parents getting divorced?

Couples get divorced for many reasons and your parents will have made their decision based on their own personal circumstances. Some of the most common reasons for a couple to get a divorce include:

• They are no longer in love with each other.
• One or both people have met somebody else.
• They no longer make each other happy.
• One or both people have behaviours that are not acceptable within the marriage.
• One or both of the people have changed so much since the time that they got married, that they no longer feel or act like the same person.

If you want to understand your parents' decision more, try to speak to them openly about what made them decide to separate. Try to speak calmly to them and explain that you would like to understand why they are getting a divorce and ask them what the reasons are.

How many people get divorced?

Sadly, lots of marriages do end in separations and many couples don't only marry once in their lifetime. You may have noticed that your grandparents' and great-grandparents' generations got married when they were quite young and stayed together until the end of their lives. Nowadays, couples marry at a variety of ages and some marriages don't last very long at all - think of some celebrity couples you know.

However, the rate of divorce is declining and so more couples are getting married and staying married. In fact, less than 8 marriages in every 1,000 marriages currently end in divorce according to the Office of National Statistics.

Will I still see both of my parents?

In the vast majority of cases when parents divorce, their child or children will continue to see both of them. In an ideal situation, the parents will remain cordial (friendly) with each other and can arrange for their children to spend time with each of them without having to get a court to set rules.

However, when some couples get divorced they are not able to make these arrangements themselves because they find it too difficult to get along with each other. In these cases, a court may be asked to make rules on behalf of the family and they will decide when and how the child will see each parent.

The only time that you might not be able to see one of your parents is if the court decides that it is not in 'your best interests'. That means that the court thinks that you will not be safe or that seeing one of your parents could cause you too much distress or harm.

Be assured that in the UK, our legal system sees that it is important for a child to spend time with both parents and both sides of their family as long as there is no risk of harm.

What if one of my parents feels like I love them less than the other?

In a lot of situations, when parents get divorced, the child or children will spend more time with one parent than they do with the other. This might mean that you live with one of your parents throughout the week and see the other at weekends or that you spend more time in one parent's house and less in another.

Your parents are grown-ups and they will understand that this is not always your choice. Sometimes, you will not be able to see one parent as regularly as you like because they don't live nearby or you might go on holiday with one parent and so don't see the other for a longer amount of time. Don't feel bad about enjoying time with one parent in case the other feels left out or sad. Your parents will want you to be happy and hopefully, it won't be long until you can enjoy times with the other parent too.

Can I stop my parents getting a divorce?

Sadly, you can't force your parents to stay together, even if that would make you very happy.

You can talk to your parents and explain how you feel about them getting a divorce, but it is their decision and as adults, they will know what is best for them.

Even though their break-up might make you feel very sad, remember how important it is for your parents to be happy too and if they will be happier apart, this might be a good thing.

Always remember that just because your parents might not love each other any more, it does not mean that they love you any less.

What is the right way to feel about my parents getting a divorce?

There is no right or wrong way to feel about your parents getting divorced and you may find that you have lots of different feelings all at once or one after the other. Some of the most common feelings that occur when parents get divorced include:

• Confusion
• Anger
• Sadness
• Worry
• Tiredness
• Blame
• Guilt
• Hopelessness

Emotions can be very hard to manage and understand. If you feel like your emotions are hard to control, it is a good idea to talk to your parents or another relative or teacher. Adults will help you understand your feelings and give you guidance on what to do if you feel like any emotion is becoming too strong. This can help you stay calmer and to get through your parents' divorce more easily.

Other Places for Support

There are lots of places and people that can offer you support when your parents are getting divorced. You might feel like you don't want to cause any more upset to your parents or that they have enough to deal with already, but it is a good idea to try to talk to them about how you feel and what you are thinking.

Other places that you can get support and advice from include:

• Other relatives like your grandparents and aunts and uncles.
• Your friends.
• Your teachers and teaching assistants.
• Club leaders such as adults at Girls Guides, Scouts, football coaches, dance instructors etc.
• NSPCC
• Childline
• Family Lives

The most important thing to do if you start to feel overwhelmed by your emotions is to talk to someone. Ideally, talk to an adult as they will have more experience and be able to support you in managing your feelings, but it is also really helpful to talk to your friends. When you talk about your feelings, you help yourself work through them and hopefully, this leads to them not feeling so overpowering.