How to Support Your Children when Getting a Divorce

Children can find divorce and separation especially difficult and managing their emotions can often be more complicated. If you are considering or are in the middle of a divorce, you are likely concerned about the impact this might have on your child and what you can do to support them during this time.

The following guide offers some tips on how to help your child cope with your divorce, what support to offer and signs that they might be struggling with the situation as well as where to turn for additional help and advice.

How should I tell my child about our decision to divorce?

Telling children about your decision to divorce can be one of the most daunting elements of the process, and many parents agonise over where to begin. To deliver your message calmly and assertively, it is advisable to prepare what you want to say before sitting down with your child. Try to consider the questions that your child is likely to ask (some of their possible concerns are outlined below) and plan how you will answer them.

Be patient when talking to your child about your divorce. Try to approach the conversation in a calm and empathetic manner and deliver the most important points from the start.

Be honest with your child and try to give them a truthful explanation of your decision to divorce without giving over-complicated reasons. Use language that will be easy for them to understand but try not to make up false reasons for your decision. Using explanations such as "we don't get along with each other any more" or "Mummy/Daddy will be better friends if we don't live together".

Tell your child how much you love them. Explaining that you want to get a divorce can be difficult and is likely to be an emotional conversation for you and your child. Take the opportunity to remind your child how important they are to both of you and how much you love them. This will help your child feel more secure and hopefully help you continue the conversation with them.

Encourage your child to ask questions. Be confident in your explanation and give your child the opportunity to ask questions and express their own feelings about your decision. It is important that your child has a space to talk openly about any concerns that they have and this initial discussion will lay the foundations for how they communicate with you throughout the divorce.

Do not blame or belittle the other parent. Avoid criticising your spouse when you talk to your child about your divorce. Try to explain your decision by remaining cordial and respectful when you talk about your ex-partner. It is important that your child feels that they can see fairness in their parents and doesn't feel obliged to 'pick a side'. If possible, both parents should talk to the child/children about the divorce at the same time. This will help to reassure the child that the divorce won't cause too much hurt and that both parents have made a united decision.

Be Available and Calm Throughout the Divorce

Although children are resilient and can adjust to new situations with ease, major domestic changes such as a divorce can be difficult. To help support your child through your divorce, you must provide a stable and secure environment for them, with reliable daily routines.

Of course, you will be struggling with navigating your own emotions and establishing yourself outside of your marriage but where possible, shield your child from your struggles and try to maintain a calm and reassuring home. This can be achieved by setting some regular routines in each household and talking openly to your child about your expectations and the steps of change that you will be taking.

You may be tempted to try to spoil your child during this time to give them reasons to feel happy. Whilst the occasional treat causes no harm, overindulging your child can lead to blurred boundaries and the worry that you're in competition with your ex. As cliche as it may sound, the greatest gift you can give to your child is your time and love.

Self-Care Benefits Your Child

As the old adage goes 'you need to take care of yourself in order to take care of others' and this is completely true. Make sure you meet your own needs and take time out to manage your own emotions during this difficult time. If you can maintain a calm and confident position, you'll be better placed to support your child.

Try to Remain Amicable with your Ex

It might seem like the most difficult thing to do during a divorce but maintaining open communications and amicable exchanges with your ex can be one of the most beneficial steps during a divorce. Not only will this provide stability for your child, but you'll find managing the 'logistics' of the situation much more simple if you can talk to each other calmly and civilly.

If your child witnesses conflict between you and your ex, they're likely to become more upset, worried and feel torn between the two of you. Even if it's the biggest strain and through gritted teeth, try hard to maintain a pleasant atmosphere between you and your ex in front of your child. Here are some tips on how to manage that:

• Try to be positive - if it's a struggle to remain friendly, try to focus on the positives of your situation whenever you're in a room together. Your child will really benefit from seeing both parents happy.
• Take disputes away from your child - if you need to argue, debate or simply can't manage to talk to each other in a civil way, always take your conflicts elsewhere and out of the earshot of your child. Even if you're on the phone, talk to your ex at a different time or move away from the inflammatory conversation completely.
• Be respectful of your ex - Use tact when you are talking to and about your ex in front of your child. Don't give detail about your ex's behaviours to your child and always talk about them in a respectful way.
• Agree to work with your ex - It may not seem like the easiest thing to do, but agree to work on your platonic relationship together. Recognise that a friendly relationship between the two of you benefits your child and will inevitably make your own futures easier and agree to develop a civil relationship with your ex.

Red Flag Warnings that Your Child is Struggling

Although you should expect some upset from your child during your divorce and lots of questions and needs for reassurance, there are some red flags that could suggest that your child needs additional support. If you feel that your child is overwhelmed by their emotions or doesn't seem to be feeling better after your reassurances, you might like to consider professional help (suggested points of contact are listed below).

Some of the warning signs that your child might not be coping include:

• Sleep issues such as sleeping more or finding it difficult to get to sleep.
• Behavioural problems.
• Struggling with schoolwork or slipping grades.
• Drug or alcohol abuse.
• Self Harm.
• Withdrawal from friends and family.
• Concentration issues

If you are concerned that your child is suffering from any of the above for a prolonged amount of time, additional support is available. Consider talking to:

• Your child's doctor
• Teachers
• Counsellors or a child therapist.
• Supporting charities such as the NSPCC or FamilyLives.